


Fine

by sparklyfaerie



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime 2019), Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Post-Curse, These Kids Are Not Okay, mentions of suicide and suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27172148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklyfaerie/pseuds/sparklyfaerie
Summary: Being with Tohru doesn’t magically make everything better. But how is he supposed to explain that, even though his life is suddenly immeasurably better than he ever dreamed, he’s still not entirely happy?
Relationships: Honda Tohru/Sohma Kyou
Comments: 14
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor kids aren't okay.
> 
> This will not be a oneshot. I'm thinking about three chapters?

Being with Tohru doesn’t magically make everything better. He still has moments where the guilt nearly swallows him whole and haunts his dreams. He’s getting better at reminding himself that things aren’t his fault; he didn’t push his mother, he wasn’t driving the car, he didn’t _ask_ to be born cursed. But sometimes, still, the thoughts swirl up like a miasma, choking him from the inside as he curls in on himself.

He knows Tohru worries about him during those times. She tries painfully hard to be a ray of sunshine on his darkest days, but he always feels guilty about that. She has her own shit to deal with; he doesn’t want her feeling like she has to baby him when he’s down. So he gets out of bed. He goes for his run, he gets ready for school. He does his best to greet her with a smile in the kitchen when he comes back downstairs, but she knows. She always does.

“Good morning.” The corners of her mouth turn down as she spots him.

“Morning.” He runs a hand over the small of her back as he passes to sit at the low table in the living room.

“Did you sleep well?” She asks, attention still on him. The buzz of the microwave fills the room and Kyo sighs.

“Yeah, I slept fine.” He tips his head back over his shoulder to look at her. “You get your homework done?” She’d been struggling with math when he’d gone to bed.

“Oh, yes!” She beams. “I asked Yuki-kun to help me after you went to sleep. I got it all finished!”

He nods and picks up the remote, turning his attention to the television. He can hear her humming to herself in the kitchen as she finishes reheating breakfast and allows his shoulders to droop.

It isn’t that he feels _bad_. He just doesn’t feel _great_. There’s an undercurrent of dissatisfaction in his mind and he doesn’t know where it’s coming from or what to do about it. His run hadn’t helped. Seeing Tohru has curbed it a little, but he still feels… not good.

He startles when he feels her wrap her arms around him from behind, pulling his head into her abdomen. Her fingers rest at the opening of his collar and he feels the chill of them against his skin. “You know,” she says softly, “you can talk to me.”

He reaches up and squeezes one of her hands, tilting his head back to look up at her. “I’m fine.” He lies, for want of anything else to say. But how is he supposed to explain that, even though his life is suddenly immeasurably better than he ever dreamed, he’s still not entirely happy?

* * *

The sky is overcome with clouds by the time they get to school, a slight drizzle beginning when they get indoors, and Kyo _feels_ the energy leeching from him. He hates that rainy days still fuck him over—all of that shit was supposed to go with the rest of the curse, but it seems like some things are just… sticking around. Not all of it is _bad_ —he has better eyesight and hearing than most, though he hasn’t been brave enough to test whether or not he still has the ability to take falls from great distances unscathed.

But still, knowing where it comes from, it doesn’t sit right with him. Shigure had theorized not too long ago that those aspects of the curse were ingrained in their very biology—their bodies were built in utero with those characteristics, just like their hair and eye colour, and even breaking the curse wasn’t enough to fundamentally alter their bodies.

But the big, important things—those are gone. The days where contact with the opposite sex turned him into a cat are _done_ —not to mention he no longer has to worry about becoming that _thing_ ever again. It’s liberating in a way that he hadn’t ever anticipated, being normal. The ever-present weight of the beads on his wrist had always felt like a shackle, and his entire body feels lighter for its absence. People had noticed right away, when he stopped wearing it. “I broke it,” he told them when they asked, and the words tasted like freedom.

The rain stops by the time lunch rolls around, and Tohru takes his hand, dragging him from the classroom before her friends can corner them. She calls a goodbye and waves as they exit through the door. She interlaces their fingers and beams up at him.

“Let’s eat on the roof today.” She suggests.

“Alright.” He agrees easily. He doesn’t have the energy for Uotani and Hanajima today, and she probably knows it.

The sun has dried most of the water from the rooftop by the time they get up there, and Tohru selects a spot with a good overlook of the school grounds before settling down. She waves down to her friends—they spot them from the ground and he tenses, expecting them to bolt back inside and come upstairs; but they only wave back and continue on their way with Yuki, Kuragi, and Manabe.

“I’m sorry for dragging you up here, Kyo-kun.” Tohru says with a small voice, looking down as she produces their lunches.

He accepts his with raised eyebrows. “What for?”

“I know you didn’t really want to eat with Uo-chan and Hana-chan.” She confides. “But I had another reason for not wanting to eat down there.”

“Oh?”

She chews on her lip a little before sighing. “I don’t think Manabe-san likes me very much.” She confides. At his inquisitive hum, she looks out over the schoolyard. “I don’t think Yuki-kun knows, but Manabe-san’s girlfriend is the daughter of the man who was driving the car that… was in Okaa-san’s accident.”

Kyo sucks a breath through his teeth. He’d been so focused on Kyoko that day that he hadn’t even noticed the driver of the car. “What happened to him? Is he in jail?”

Tohru winces. “Ah, no. He died in the accident, too.” She whispers.

And just like that, Kyo is gone. Physically, he’s still sitting next to his girlfriend on the roof of the school—but mentally, he’s back on that sidewalk, watching Kyoko step off the curb. He doesn’t know what the driver looked like, but his mind’s eye doesn’t seem to care; he sees a nondescript face painted with an expression of terror as he spots the woman on the road, sees him try to slam on the breaks, sees Kyoko’s body fly—

“Kyo-kun!” Tohru shakes his shoulder and he comes back to the present with a jolt. “Are you okay?”

Her eyes are wide and he can read the worry in them. He takes a deep breath and tries to banish the dark thoughts. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

She doesn’t believe him, he can tell. He clears his throat and deliberately opens his lunch, making a show of beginning to eat. He tastes nothing, which is a shame because Tohru is a good cook. But it helps to have something to do.

“I’m sorry.” She says again, this time so quietly that, if not for his enhanced hearing, he _definitely_ wouldn’t have heard it.

“Hey.” He raps his fist gently against her head. “Don’t be sorry. You’re supposed to be able to talk about that kinda stuff with me.”

“B-but it hurts you.” She sniffles, and he sighs.

“I’m fine.” He thumbs away her tears. “It bothers me more if you bottle shit up.”

“You, too.” She grabs his hand and holds it against her cheek. Her eyes are teary but determined as she stares him down. “You shouldn’t bottle things up, either.”

Warmth blossoms in his chest at her earnest expression. Really, she’s so cute. And, just because he can, just because he doesn’t have to curb his tenderer impulses anymore, he bends down and presses his lips to her other cheek, feeling the dampness beneath his lips. Her face is a brilliant cherry red when he pulls away, and he smiles a little.

“I’m okay.” He says. And for a moment, he means it. For a moment, all that exists in the world is Tohru and her tear-streaked face, her brightness and determination to help anyone and everyone. As much as it bothers him to see her run herself ragged and ignore her own feelings for the sake of others, her utter selflessness and unwavering compassion are two of the things he loves most about her.

They go back to their lunches in silence, and she rests her head against his shoulder. It makes eating awkward, but he doesn’t mind; her warmth leeches into his skin and chases away the darkness, if only for a little while.

* * *

Hatori is at the house when they get home.

“Where is Yuki?” He asks impassively when they greet him in the living room.

“He has student council today, so he won’t be home until around dinnertime.” Tohru smiles blithely, moving into the kitchen. “Would you like to stay for dinner, Hatori-san, if you’re going to wait for him?”

“Thank you, I will.” Hatori nods and Tohru beams. “In the meantime,” the older man turns his attention to Kyo, “I was wondering if I might have a word with you, Kyo. In private.”

Kyo blinks. It’s not time for his yearly check-up, and he hasn’t been sick in months. He has no idea what Hatori wants. “Uh, sure.” He hooks a thumb over his shoulder. “My room?”

Hatori nods and rises from his seat. Kyo hears Tohru chatting animatedly with Shigure behind them as they ascend the stairs, the sounds fading as they reach the landing. He veers to the right and into his bedroom, and Hatori follows, closing the door behind him.

Kyo sits on his futon, legs crossed and hands on his knees. “What’s up?”

“I’ve been checking in with all the former members of the Juunishi.” Hatori says, sitting opposite Kyo on the floorboards. “It has come to my attention that some of us are adapting… better than others, with the end of the curse. Some have had truly… traumatic experiences, over the years.”

“ _Right_ …” Kyo squints at the doctor, not sure where he’s going with this. “What’s that got to do with me? I was outside most of Akito’s shit.”

“I will be frank.” Hatori pulls his briefcase over and flicks it open. He pulls out a manila folder that Kyo catches a glimpse of his name on before he flips it open. “None of the adults among the Juunishi have ever been unaware of your situation as the host for the cat spirit. Unfortunately, we were prevented from acting against any of the forces that held you below us.” He looks up over the edge of the folder and meets Kyo’s eyes. “As well you know.”

Kyo feels the bile rise in his throat, resentment swirling in his chest. He fights it down. “Right. No one ever gave a shit about the cat.” He grits through clenched teeth.

Hatori gives him a reproachful look. “Whether you believe it or not, there were those of us who did not agree with the level of isolation Akito had planned to impose upon you.” He says drily. “We were prevented from voicing our dissent due to the curse, but that did not mean we thought it was right.”

Kyo takes a deep breath and fights back his irritation. What’s the _use_ in talking about this shit? It’s over. It’s _done_. “Will you just get to the point?” He demands.

“Very well.” Hatori clears his throat. “I am going to ask you a series of questions. Remember that anything you tell me will be confidential, and please be as honest as possible in your responses.”

He reads a list of questions from his folder that Kyo answers with confusion. He doesn’t see what they have to do with anything, but he starts to get an inkling of what’s going on about the time that Hatori asks “Have you been feeling emotionally numb, apathetic, sad, unhappy, or miserable at all?”

Kyo jumps to his feet, a strange, uncomfortable feeling creeping up his spine. “Why are you asking me this shit?” He demands. “Go talk to Rin or Yuki. They’re the ones who have fuckin’ flashbacks. I’m _fine_.”

“Sit down, Kyo.” Hatori says sternly. Kyo refuses, so he rises to his feet. “It’s common knowledge that you had a traumatic childhood. I would be remiss in my duty as your doctor if I didn’t address the potential for an upset in your mental health now that I am free to do so.”

“I’m _fine_!” Kyo snarls, fists balling up at his sides. “ _Fuck off_.”

Hatori eyes him warily and sighs, sinking into Kyo’s desk chair. “Kazuma-dono came to me when you were fifteen.” He reveals, and Kyo’s head jerks around to look at him. “I believe it was right before your training trip in the mountains. He was concerned that you wanted to take your own life.”

Kyo rears back, anger and shame warring in his chest for dominance. He feels it rise to choke him, but he doesn’t deny the accusation. What would be the point? “So what if I did? Could you blame me? My life was pretty fucking shit back then. You said so yourself.”

“I’m aware.” Hatori eyes him. “All of our lives have improved dramatically over the past month; but being released from the curse does not undo the damage it has done to our minds. Ordinarily I would suggest therapy, but due to the unique, and now unprovable, nature of the curse, it’s inadvisable.”

“I’m _fine_ now.” Kyo grits out through clenched teeth. “I don’t need fucking _therapy_.”

“Be that as it may,” Hatori watches him, “you may benefit from medication.”

“Fuck off!” Kyo stalks to the door. “I don’t need a head doctor, and I don’t need fucking drugs! I’m done with this shit.” He rips it open and stands to the side. “Get out.”

Hatori meets his eyes, and Kyo glares right back. Perhaps sensing defeat, he stands and bends to retrieve his suitcase. He shuffles with the clasps, slipping Kyo’s file inside and closing it with a _snap_. “Very well. Come see me if you change your mind.”

“I won’t.” Kyo growls, slamming the door as soon as Hatori is over the threshold.

* * *

Tohru finds him on the roof after dinner, worry creased in the lines on her brow as she balances over the shingles to join him. He’s still seething; he hadn’t said a word at dinner and had stalked off before everyone else had finished eating.

“Are you alright?” She asks, settling at his side. He grunts. “Kyo-kun?”

He sighs. He’s trying to get better at not taking his frustrations out on her. “What?”

“Did Hatori-san say something to upset you while you were talking?” She asks softly, her hand coming to rest on his knee.

He sighs and runs a hand down his face. “Not really.” He shrugs. “He just…” he gives up with a huff of irritation.

“He just…?” Tohru prompts. He places his hand over hers and she intertwines their fingers. “You can tell me. I promise I won’t laugh or be upset.”

Kyo grimaces. He doesn’t like exposing Tohru to the uglier sides of him, even if she’s already seen him at his absolute worst. “I’m just sick of being _The Cat_.” He grumbles. “Hatori was asking questions like he expected me to still be all fucked up in the head over it, that’s all.”

Tohru hums thoughtfully, resting her temple against his shoulder. The weight of her is a comfort. “And what did you tell him?”

“That I’m _fine_.” Tohru nods, her hair scratching against the fabric of his shirt. She doesn’t say anything. “What, do you think I’m not?” He demands, defensive at her non-response.

Tohru blinks up at him, startled. “Oh, no! I didn’t mean to imply that at all!” She hurries to assure him, sitting up straight. “You’ve certainly gotten much better since we’ve met! Everyone can tell!”

He frowns at her. “That still implies that you think there’s something wrong with me.” He pulls away from her touch, clenching his fists. “I’m _fine_ , Tohru!”

She smooths her hand down his cheek. “I believe you.” She says softly. “But being _fine_ isn’t the same as being _happy_.”

He stills. Her face is open and concerned; she’s leaning toward him, her free hand bracing her weight against the shingles. He sighs and turns his head to press a kiss into the palm of the hand at his cheek. “I _am_ happy.” He says.

She smiles, a wistful little thing that tells him she doesn’t buy it. “Okay.” And then she brightens. “And when you’re not, I can do this!”

She flings herself forward, wrapping her arms tightly around his middle and burying her face in his chest. It startles a laugh from him as he adjusts his position to pull her onto his lap. “This is pretty great.” He agrees with a grin.

“I thought so.” She presses her cheek into his chest; he feels her breath ghost along his collarbone as she speaks. “I love you, Kyo-kun. I just want whatever makes you happy.”

His arms tighten around her and he presses his face into her hair. “Love you, too.” He murmurs.

And he’s happy. He _is_ happy.

Because if he’s not, what does that say about him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The journey to recovery is going to be a lifelong one for the Juunishi, I think. Particularly for Kyo, Yuki, and Rin, who seem to have lived the worst of the curse and Akito's cruelty.


	2. Chapter 2

The days continue to blend together. Kyo takes Tohru out on dates over the summer and tries to socialise with his classmates a little more; anything to shake him out of this funk. There are bright spots, of course—time spent with Tohru is usually easy and fun, and the occasional basketball or soccer game with his friends takes his mind off of things for a while. He finds himself smiling more when he’s around others. But for the most part, when he’s alone with his thoughts, he feels restless and unsatisfied.

He doesn’t tell anyone, mostly because he doesn’t know how to say what it is he’s feeling. Some days, he feels _fine_. He smiles easily and feels genuine happiness. But on the—more common—days where everything feels like it’s made of shades of grey and cloud-cover, he just wants to curl up in his futon and ignore the world. But it’s never an option, so he goes through the motions and wonders what the fuck is wrong with him.

At least, he reflects, when he was still cursed, he had a _reason_ to feel this way. But now that it’s all over, what reason does he have? He has everything he’s ever wanted; a parent who loves him, a girlfriend who adores him, a group of friends that genuinely care about him and don’t look down on him because of the way he was born, and when he finishes school he’s going to work doing what he loves with the woman he loves by his side. What kind of person _wouldn’t_ be satisfied with that? How ungrateful _is_ he that, now that he has so much, he still isn’t happy?

So he continues going to school when the new term starts up and to the dojo after school three times a week, allowing Tohru to kiss him on the cheek when they part, even if they’re walking home with Yuki. He pretends that everything’s fine, even if he sees the worry in Tohru’s eyes when she catches him in a dark spiral. He can try, he thinks, a little harder for her. And he does. It’s hard, but he _tries_.

A month after Hatori’s visit, Shishou invites him to stay for dinner after practice. Since it’s been a while since he’s spent any significant amount of time with his foster father, he agrees and shoots Tohru a text telling her not to expect him until late. She sends back a string of smiley faces and heart emojis that makes him chuckle before he rounds the corner into the living room.

Shishou is in the back helping Kunimitsu with an accounting problem, but Rin is seated at the table, sketchbook open and propped against the edge. She looks up when he enters the room and doesn’t look at all surprised to see him. “Hey.”

“Hi.” He sits opposite her. This interaction isn’t anything out of the ordinary for them; they barely acknowledge each other most of the time. It’s only since she’s been friends with Tohru that Kyo has started paying more attention to her.

They sit in silence for a little while. Kyo plays a game on his phone and Rin continues her drawing. He’s quite content to leave it at that, but Rin seems to have other ideas.

“So,” she starts without even looking up from her sketchbook, “Hatori go to your place, too?”

He looks up from his phone, staring in surprise. Usually she avoids talking to him when they’re both in the same room. “Yeah.”

“How’d that go?”

Kyo makes a face. “It didn’t. I kicked him out.” She makes a small sound. “What?”

“Nothing.” She shrugs, glancing up at him. Her eyes are dark and fathomless. “Just not surprised.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He demands, instantly defensive. He never can tell what Rin is thinking.

She just rolls her eyes. “Dude, chill. It didn’t _mean_ anything. I did the same at first.”

“At first?”

She shrugs. “Haru convinced me to give the meds a try.”

Kyo hesitates before asking in a quiet voice “Do they help?” The question has been plaguing him since Hatori’s visit, but he’s had no one he felt he could ask about it, and research on the internet has given him mixed results. Some people seem to swear by it; others recount horror stories of their time on medication.

She shrugs. “Dunno. It’s too early to tell. But I’ve got nothing to lose by trying. I’m never going to forgive Akito, but I’ve had enough of being angry and miserable all the time.” She sighs. “The curse nearly killed me as a kid. I refuse to let it have the rest of my life, too.”

And maybe it’s because he legitimately doesn’t give a shit what Rin thinks of him, or maybe it’s the fact that, of all the Juunishi, her experience was probably the closest to his, but he blurts “I wanted to kill myself for a while.”

She glances up, then looks back down at her sketch, erasing a line and redrawing it. “Yeah, that happened to a lot of Cats.”

His eyebrows shoot up at her complete nonchalance, like people make that admission to her every day. “How d’you know that?”

She stills for a moment. “I was looking into finding a way to break the curse after Akito shoved me out the window.” She admits. “I went through a bunch of records in storage.” She presses her lips into a line and frowns down at the paper. “It wasn’t all of them, but I saw a lot of records on the Cats. A lot of them killed themselves after going into the Room.”

Kyo looks back down at his phone and shudders. He feels the cold hand of dread claw at him at the thought of spending the rest of his life in a place where so many of his predecessors had died so horribly, in pain and alone. He screws his eyes shut and reminds himself that it’s not going to happen to _him_. The structure is gone, the _curse_ is gone, and he’s _never_ going there. He’s _free_ , now. He’ll spend the rest of his life on the outside. With Tohru, if she’ll have him for that long.

“Hey.”

He looks up. Rin is staring at him through narrowed eyes. “Haru has to keep reminding me, but you probably need to hear it, too: It’s not our fault.” She tells him in a firm voice, surprising him. “Whatever it was we think we did to deserve it, we didn’t. We were fucking _babies_. And maybe the curse made us all look down on you because you were the cat,” she admits with a twist of her mouth, “but that’s not there anymore. Yeah, you’re an ass, but that’s just ‘cause you had to be to survive.” She shrugs. “But if you make trouble for Tohru, I’ll kick the living shit out of you.”

Kyo snorts, strangely uplifted by her candour. “You realise _I_ could easily beat the shit out of _you_ , right?”

She cracks a grin, hiding it behind her sketchbook. “Yeah, but everyone knows you don’t fight people who have no training. And besides,” here she _does_ look at him, still grinning. The effect it has on her features is startling, and he can see what Tohru means when she gushes about how pretty Rin is. He still prefers Tohru, but still. “You’d make Tohru sad if you beat up one of her friends.”

“And you don’t think she’ll be upset if you beat up her boyfriend?” He fires back, only the faintest of blushes on his cheeks at the title. He’s still getting used to referring to himself as that.

She snorts. “If she can forgive Akito for all the shit she did, I think I’m good.”

They lapse into silence again. His mind swirls as he contemplates her words. But then Shishou comes back out, and the dreary thoughts depart for a while.

* * *

He finds himself on the roof at one in the morning, still shaken from his nightmare. The air is cooler out here on his sweaty skin as he tries to calm himself down.

“Fuck!” He yelps as he jams his toe against a shingle in the dark. A toilet flushes from inside, but no one yells at him to shut up, so he sinks to sit down and holds his head in his hands.

The dreams are brutal, when they come; amalgamations of his mother’s and Kyoko’s deaths, paired with his father morphing into Tohru and screaming at him for killing their mothers. He knows Tohru doesn’t hold him responsible—she’s rather vehement that he _isn’t_ at fault for her mother’s death, even if he feels he is—but it still plays havoc on his psyche to see it in his nightmares.

“Kyo-kun?”

He looks over and she’s leaning over the top of the ladder, peering at him in the dark. “Tohru? What’re you doing up?”

“I got up to go to the bathroom and I heard you up here.” She carefully picks her way over and settles beside him. “What are you doing up so late?”

“Bad dream.” He grunts.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She curls her fingers around his own. He lets her.

“Nah.”

“Alright.” She rests her head against his shoulder, covering a yawn with a dainty hand. The routine is easy and familiar, even if a little later than normal. He finds comfort in her steady presence; she doesn’t push, even though she knows there’s something on his mind.

“How’d your appointment with Hatori go?” He asks, wanting to take his mind off of the dream; Tohru had gone to see the doctor after school. At his inquiry, she’d simply blushed and stammered until he let her off the hook. She wasn’t sick, and that was all he cared about.

“It was fine. I have to go back tomorrow, though.” She murmurs, already half asleep.

He lets the warmth of her seep in and chase away the shadows, resting his cheek against the crown of her head. It isn’t long before she’s leaning heavily on him, dead to the world, and he marvels at her ability to fall asleep anywhere.

“Hey.” He shakes her gently. “C’mon. Let’s go back inside before you fall off the roof.”

“I’m not going to fall.” She protests, but crawls over to the ladder nonetheless. He follows her down and tugs her into a hug. She squeaks in surprise but relaxes into his hold, wrapping her arms around him in return. It’s nice. He feels cared for; he selfishly clings to the feeling.

“Do you want to sleep with me tonight?” Tohru blurts, then quickly goes red in the face. Kyo feels his own cheeks begin to burn as she tries to backpedal, releasing him. “I—I meant, in my bed! I mean! In my room! To sleep in my room, in my bed. N-not that I don’t want to—I-I mean—!”

“Tohru.” Kyo groans, hiding his burning face in his hands. “ _Shut up_ , or Yuki’s gonna hear you.”

She squeaks and hides her face in her hands. “I-I’m sorry!”

“Why would you even _ask_ that?” He demands from behind his hands. He doesn’t think he can look at her right now. Not when she’d basically just admitted that she wanted to… he flushes all over again, hot and cold and giddy and terrified all at the same time.

She lowers her hands and grabs his wrists, though she doesn’t try to pull them away from his face. “I just meant… when I have bad dreams, I feel better if there’s someone there, after.” He lowers his hands and watches her face, still pink in the moonlight. “I thought, I don’t know—maybe you might not want to be alone?”

It’s incredible, he thinks, how well she can read him when she wants to. He doesn’t want to go back to his room yet. He doesn’t want to be left by himself to feel… whatever it is he feels when he’s alone. Her offer is tempting in it’s sweetness and innocence. He allows himself to indulge.

“Okay.” He whispers, and she takes his hand. He follows her inside to her bedroom; she climbs into bed and holds the covers up for him to slide in beside her.

They shuffle around until they’re comfortable; Kyo’s head is tucked under Tohru’s chin, and he can hear her heartbeat, slow and steady against his cheek. He wraps his arms around her middle and burrows into her warmth; he takes a deep breath and is flooded with the scent of her—the smell of her lemon-scented shampoo and crisp laundry detergent invades his senses and relaxes him. Her fingers comb gently through his hair and he allows his eyes to drift closed. He doesn’t think he can sleep yet, but it’s nice, to be close like this. Her bed is comfortable and he feels, for the first time in a _long_ time, warm and secure.

“Kyo-kun?” Tohru’s voice is soft in the quiet as she scratches lightly against his scalp.

“Hm?”

“Why are you crying?”

He presses his face against her throat, squeezing his eyes shut. He feels the tears hot on his cheeks, wetting her skin. They won’t stop. “I don’t know.”

“Are you sad?” She asks gently, sliding the hand in his hair down to cup the back of his neck.

“No.” The tears aren’t born of sadness, he knows that much. The warmth in his chest is overwhelming, an emotion he has no name for mixing with his love for her in this moment.

“Then—are you happy?”

“I don’t know.” He fights the urge to sniffle. It’s bad enough that he’s _crying_. The tears won’t stop, but he refuses to be left a blubbering mess. “I just—I never thought that I could ever be like this, you know? The curse…” she hums in acknowledgement, fingers tracing patterns on his skin, playing with the fine hairs at the nape of his neck. “I was gonna go into that room. I wasn’t even gonna fight it.” He whispers when she doesn’t speak. “I hated myself so much. There were times when I just wanted to die. But now…” his breath hitches and he feels something inside him crumble, mixing with the warmth and turning him lukewarm. “I should be happy. Why aren’t I happy?”

He fears her judgement for about half a second before she begins stroking his hair again. “Just because the curse is gone,” she whispers hesitantly into the dark, “doesn’t mean that everything you went through is undone, does it?” He feels her breathing shake and is horrified to realise that _she’s_ crying, too, now. But she presses her lips into the crown of his head and lets loose a shuddering breath, and says “It’s _okay_ if you’re not okay right away, Kyo-kun. What you went through… I’m sure I don’t even know everything, but just from what I _do_ know… I don’t think I’d be okay after all of that, either. I don’t think _anyone_ would be.”

He can’t help it; he loses his carefully maintained composure at her words. He hiccups quietly into the dark while she holds him as he cries, and as much as he hates showing her this part of him, there’s relief in it. She shuffles around to wrap her arms around him, stroking circles into his back as his shoulders heave, pressing kisses against his hair and whispering words of reassurance.

* * *

He opens his eyes to a mountain of pink bedclothes and sunlight streaming across his face. He pushes himself up to a sitting position, scrubbing his face with both hands. He can already tell he’s slept in; Shigure’s stupid morning news show is playing from downstairs, volume kicked all the way up so he can hear it from his bedroom, and the sunlight is too bright to be the usual time he wakes.

Tohru is gone, probably making breakfast downstairs. He’s about to throw his legs over the side of the bed and go looking for her when the door creaks open and he’s greeted with the sight of her trying to creep into her own bedroom, still in her pyjamas. She spots him and her eyes widen. “Oh, I’m sorry! Did I wake you when I got up?”

“Nah.” He shakes his head to clear it of the cobwebs as she closes the door and climbs back onto the bed. “What time is it?”

“Just after seven. We’ll have to get ready for school soon.”

“Shit.” He groans, running a hand through his hair. “I missed my run.”

She takes his arm and pulls him down until he’s lying back down with her. “You were up pretty late.” She whispers.

He sighs, feeling his cheeks burn. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry!” She frowns. “I’m glad you were able to tell me all of that. How are you feeling?”

He rolls onto his back, staring at the ceiling. “Better.” He says, surprising himself. He feels lighter this morning; he’s still embarrassed as hell about the crying, but he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning anymore.

“I’m glad.” She presses herself into his side. She noses at his neck and presses a kiss there.

“Didn’t you say something about school?” His lip twitches as she twines herself around him.

“In a minute.” She sighs into his shoulder.

He allows himself a smile, his fingers tangling in her hair. It’s full of snarls, but he spends a few moments admiring the softness of it before he voices the question that’s at the forefront of his mind. “What do you think I should do?”

“Hm?”

His voice is small. A part of him feels like admitting defeat, like he’s failed in some way by even considering the option. “Should I talk to Hatori? He mentioned meds last time.”

She’s quiet for a moment, weighing her words. Then she props herself up on her elbow and peers at his face. “I think… if you feel like you need to, you should.” She says eventually. “There’s nothing to lose by trying, right?”

He snorts. “Yeah, Rin said the same thing.”

“You spoke to Isuzu-san?”

“She was at Shishou’s yesterday.” He sighs, throwing an arm over his face. “She’s been on them for a bit.”

She hums. “She mentioned that to me when I saw her last week.” She nods.

He scowls into his arm. “It just… it makes me feel shitty, you know?” He sighs. “I don’t _want_ to go on meds. I feel like agreeing means I failed at something.” Tohru is quiet for a moment; when he peers at her again, she’s chewing on her lip, looking deep in thought. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” She says slowly. “It’s just… you reminded me of something Okaa-san said, once.”

“What’d she say?”

Tohru lays back down, arm under the pillow as she watches his face. “I remember when Otou-san died; Okaa-san went through a really bad depression. I didn’t know what it was at the time; I just knew she was really sad and that I was worried that she’d leave, too.” She twists her mouth.

“Yeah, you told me that before.” He shuffles onto his side to face her. “What happened?”

“I don’t _really_ remember much, but she told me what happened when I was older. We went to live with Ojii-san for a while after he convinced her to start seeing a doctor.” She frowns as she recounts the story; Kyo thinks she’s probably dredging through painful memories, but she seems determined to finish, so he lets her continue. “When I was about eleven or twelve, she sat me down and told me about what happened to her and why she was the way she was. She said that I could always come to her if I felt like I couldn’t cope. She would do everything she could to get me the help I needed, and that there was no shame in accepting it. That sometimes… sometimes things just go wrong, and that it didn’t mean I’d failed at anything. She explained to me about therapy and medication and how she’d been through both after Otou-san died and eventually recovered, and that she hoped I wouldn’t be afraid to come to her if I needed it.”

He frowns. “I can’t picture her needing that stuff.”

She giggles. “How old were you when you knew her?”

He shrugs. “Six. Maybe seven?”

She nods. “She was still on them, then. She only stopped when I was eight.”

They lapse into silence as he processes her words, their fingers entangling and resting atop the pillow between their faces. She smiles at him and he returns it.

“Come on.” He says eventually, pushing himself up. “We need to get ready for school.”

He’s at the door when she speaks. “Kyo-kun?”

“Yeah?” He looks at her over his shoulder.

She beams at him. “Whatever you decide to do,” she says brightly, “I’ll do whatever I can to help you. I promise!”

He ducks his head, cheeks tinging pink at her easy admission. “Yeah, I know. Thanks.” And rather than risk looking at her again, he slips out of her bedroom and into his own, closing the door behind and letting out a breath.

His phone is on the desk where he left it to charge. He picks it up and looks at the lock screen—a selfie of the two of them that Tohru took using his phone on their first date. He sighs and unlocks it, thumb scrolling through his list of contacts until he finds Hatori’s name.

Rin’s words echo in his mind as he stares at the screen. Is he still letting the curse rule him by being afraid to face whatever it is he’s been feeling? He’s not sure. And that’s perhaps the biggest problem.

He takes a deep breath and hits ‘ _call_ ’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kyoko's wisdom shines again. Because it feels like Tohru has a story about her mother for every situation; why not this, too? We know it's canon that Kyoko had some form of depression after Katsuya's death. I can't see her not being frank with her daughter about it, since they seemed to talk about everything else.


	3. Chapter 3

Hatori shuffles his appointments around to fit him in that afternoon; it isn’t until they’re on their way to school that Tohru mentions that Hatori called her and rescheduled the appointment she had, and Kyo realises he’d taken her slot. She isn’t upset when he tells her—in fact, she beams and tugs him down to kiss his cheek. She offers to come with him in the afternoon and he accepts.

School is a trial that day, even for a Friday. He feels anxious and irritated the whole time, nerves getting the better of him. Somehow, making the appointment and going to see a doctor makes it all so much more _real_. After yesterday, it’s not something he can hide away and pretend isn’t happening; people _know_ , now, and he’s going to have to face it if he wants to overcome it.

They bid everyone goodbye at the end of class and slip out the gate, hand in hand. The walk is a long one, but they turn down an offer from Momiji when he makes his driver pull over to offer them a lift. Kyo needs the time to organise his mind and determine what he wants to say, and Tohru seems happy to just be in his company. She keeps up a one-sided conversation as they wend their way through the city streets, arriving at the Sohma compound ten minutes before Kyo’s appointment is scheduled.

He grips Tohru’s hand as he stares at Hatori’s front door. He doesn’t want to go in. He doesn’t want to face it. She waits patiently, a silent, supportive presence.

The door flies open and Hatori stands in the genkan, white coat on. Kyo starts at the abrupt appearance and woodenly steps forward when Hatori ushers them into the waiting room.

“I’ll wait out here.” Tohru squeezes his hand one last time and lets go.

He follows Hatori to his study-slash-exam room. He sits awkwardly on the couch, staring at his hands on his knees. Hatori moves about the room, letting him gather his thoughts; Kyo catches him in his peripheral vision pouring a glass of water from a pitcher by the window. Hatori then leaves his periphery to go back to his desk. Kyo hears a shuffling of paper and then silence.

His gut twists. This is a mistake. He shouldn’t be here. He’s wasting their time.

He’s just about to open his mouth and say so when a hand enters his field of view, placing a glass of water on the table in front of him. The spell is broken, and he looks up as Hatori takes a seat opposite him. The older man places his elbows on his knees and rests his chin on interlocked fingers, peering at him intently, but not unkindly.

Kyo averts his eyes. He can’t stand the thought that Hatori might pity him.

There’s a sigh, and then a creak of leather as Hatori sits back in his chair. The silence is suffocating; Kyo knows Hatori is waiting for him to start speaking, but he just picks at a ball of lint on his trousers and says nothing. His words jumble in his throat and crowd on his tongue, but he can’t spit them out.

Then, Hatori speaks. “I understand you wish to pick up where we left off last time?”

Kyo shrugs. “I guess.” He mumbles.

It’s quiet as Hatori begins asking probing questions. Kyo hesitates before answering as well as he can—he stares at his knees, at the wall, out the window as he talks; anywhere that isn’t at the man sitting across from him. It makes it easier, somehow, to speak to nothing in particular. Still, sometimes he simply can’t articulate what he wants to convey. He gets frustrated with himself, but Hatori just shakes his head and moves on to the next question.

Over the course of about half an hour, it all comes tumbling out. It was difficult to start, but once he begins it’s like opening the floodgates. He says things he’s never told anyone—not Shishou, and _definitely_ not Tohru. Every ugly little part of him is exposed to Hatori’s examination. He talks about his mother and father, about Kyoko and her accident, the numerous times in his life that he’s just wanted to end it, how he hated Yuki just so he could push the blame onto someone else in order to survive. It’s like lancing an infected wound; it hurts, but every word lifts a bit of pressure from his chest and allows him to breathe a little easier.

“If Tohru hadn’t… hadn’t survived that fall,” he murmurs, voice hoarse from nearly thirty minutes of non-stop talking, “I would’ve done it. I would’ve killed myself. I was still thinking about it when she woke up, until Yuki beat the shit out of me for feeling sorry for myself.” He squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his trembling fists on his knees. He doesn’t want to cry, not again. Once was enough.

“And now?” Hatori asks quietly. “Do you still feel that way?”

Kyo shakes his head. “No.”

He _wants_ to live, now. He has _so much_ to live for. His entire future is spread out before him, looking entirely different than the one he’d envisioned while he was growing up. Instead of a dark room and Akito’s leering cruelty, he has Tohru and her light to look forward to. He has a job waiting for him in a faraway place that will allow him to escape the city that he grew up in, at least for a little while. He has real friends outside of the family, now—and without the curse, he even has _real_ friendship with some of the other former Juunishi without the instinctive derision they gave him.

He wants to be able to enjoy all of that. He wants to believe he deserves it. He wants to be _happy_.

Hatori nods, making a note in Kyo’s file. “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

Kyo shakes his head again. His throat hurts from talking.

Hatori pushes the untouched glass of water toward him and stands. Kyo reaches for it and takes a mouthful, the cool liquid soothing the ache in his throat. He watches the doctor cross the room and sit at his desk.

He returns a few moments later with a printed prescription. “I’m going to give you these, for now.” He says as he places the paper on the table and sits back down. “Bear in mind that they won’t work right away. This may not even be the correct medication for you.” Kyo nods, picking up the paper with trembling fingers. The name of a medication he’s never heard of swims in his vision for a moment before he folds it up and tucks it in his pocket. “We’ll trial this one for a few weeks. If you experience any severe side effects, come right back. Headaches and mild nausea are common in the first two weeks, but if they haven’t passed by the end of the third, let me know.” Kyo nods again. “If you don’t feel any better in six weeks, we’ll try a different one.”

“Alright.” Kyo drains the rest of the water to give himself something to do. “Is that all?”

Hatori frowns a little. “I am… not a psychologist.” He says slowly. “I can prescribe you medication to manage your symptoms, but I can’t equip you with the tools to overcome them. Considering the scope of the issues some of the others have, I’m currently researching into finding a trustworthy mental health professional who will believe us about the curse.” He meets Kyo’s eyes. “I’d like you to start seeing this person when I find them. Akito has already agreed to pay the bills for the sessions of anyone who chooses to use the service.

Kyo huffs a self-derisive laugh. “I’m that fucked up, huh?” He plants his elbows on his knees and covers his face with his hands. Confirmation that there’s something actually wrong with him is something that he’s been both desperately wanting and dreading all day. Wanting, because it proves that he’s not some ungrateful kid who still isn’t happy when he has everything he ever wanted—but dreading because that means he’s still not _normal_.

Hatori surprises him by leaning forward and ruffling his hair. Kyo winces at the roughness and shoots Hatori a dirty look, but the older man is smiling. “You’re not ‘ _fucked up_ ’, as you call it.” He says, and there’s an edge of warmth that Kyo has never heard before in his voice. “You are a survivor of physical and psychological abuse. From your parents, from Akito—from the inner circle of the clan as a whole. Healing from that will take time, but you’ve taken the first step.” He picks up Kyo’s empty glass and takes it to the small sink on the side of the room. Kyo stands. “Think about it for now. I’ll let you know when I find someone.”

Kyo nods and crosses the room, eager to be away from Hatori’s scrutinising eyes. He opens the door just as Hatori says “Tell Honda-kun I’ll see her briefly before my next patient. He’s not due for another ten minutes.”

“Yeah, okay.” Kyo nods and ducks out of the door. He closes it behind and lets loose a shuddering breath. It’s strange, but he feels like a wrung-out sponge as he picks his way to the waiting area, almost like he’s floating an inch or two off the ground. The world feels surreal after everything that he’d exposed in the examination room.

He hears Tohru’s excited chatter before he rounds the corner and spots her. She’s sitting in one of the chairs, talking to Yuki as he smiles and nods along with whatever she’s saying. She doesn’t notice him right away.

He clears his throat. “Tohru.”

She jumps, head spinning around to see him. She beams. “There you are! Are you finished with Hatori-san?”

“Yeah.” He jerks his head toward the door he came from. “He says he can fit you in before his next appointment.”

“Oh!” She turns back to Yuki. “You don’t mind, do you, Yuki-kun?”

He shakes his head with a smile. “Not at all. I’m early, anyway.”

“Alright. I’ll be right back!” She picks up her bag and passes Kyo to head inside, squeezing his arm and giving him a small smile. He returns it and sinks into the chair she vacated, heedless of Yuki’s proximity.

“You’re the next appointment?” He asks, head tipped back to look at the ceiling.

“Yes.” Yuki nods.

They lapse into awkward silence. Kyo feels restless; things with Yuki have been weird ever since Tohru got out of hospital. Kyo tries to summon his usual irritation, but all he feels is tired. “Didn’t know you were sick.” He murmurs, closing his eyes.

“I’m not.” Yuki says quietly. “I imagine I’m here for the same reason you are.”

Kyo looks at him, then. Yuki is leaning on his knees, looking down at his clasped hands. “She told you?”

Yuki shakes his head. “Of course not. She wouldn’t do that. I just… assumed, since you’re not sick.”

“Oh.”

Yuki gives him an inscrutable look. “For what it’s worth, I hope it helps.” He says hesitantly. “We haven’t found one that suits me yet, so…”

Kyo nods, not really knowing what to say. They fall into another awkward silence; Yuki stares at his hands while Kyo stares at the ceiling. A clock ticks loudly from somewhere to the left. He wishes Tohru would hurry up so they can go home.

She returns after a few minutes, all smiles. “Sorry about that! Hatori-san says you can go in, now.” She tells Yuki as she comes to stand beside Kyo. “Will you be home for dinner tonight?”

“Ah, no.” Yuki shakes his head. “I’m meeting Machi, Kakeru and Nakao-san for dinner after this.”

“Oh, a double date!” Tohru clasps her hands, eyes practically sparkling. “I hope you have fun!”

Yuki gives a sardonic grin. “I don’t know if ‘fun’ is the right word, but I’m sure it’ll be interesting. I’ll see you when I get home.” He disappears into the doorway, waving over his shoulder, and the two of them are left alone.

“Are you alright, Kyo-kun?” She asks, fingers playing with his hair.

He shrugs. “I guess. Ask me later.”

She giggles. “Okay. Did Hatori-san give you anything?” Kyo fishes the prescription out of his pocket and hands it to her. She peers at it and nods. “Alright. How about we go pick this up and then get some take-out for dinner? I’ll call Shigure-san and see what he wants.”

“Works for me.” He sighs and pushes himself up. She takes his hand and tugs him outside.

* * *

He takes his first pill before they do their homework that night, sitting at the low table in Tohru’s room. And every night after that, for nearly three weeks, he swallows one of the little pills and hopes they work.

It’s quickly apparent that they don’t. He spends nearly three weeks alternating between being extremely fatigued and feeling like he’s going to puke; Hatori switches him to a different one and it eases, but he starts having bad headaches instead. It takes nearly two whole months before they find one that doesn’t fuck him up. Once the initial tiredness and increased appetite fade away, he’s left feeling more or less functional.

Hatori finds a psychologist who is willing to take on the Sohma kids. At Tohru’s encouragement, Kyo agrees to an initial session with her. She’d been right under their nose all along—the kindly older lady is a member of the Sohma clan; the granddaughter of the previous rabbit. She’s seen the transformation for herself, and though she’s _technically_ retired, she took no convincing when Hatori approached her about treating them.

Kyo’s not too sure he likes this woman, but he’d made a promise to Tohru to give it a shot. It helps a little that he knows he’s not the only one going to see her; he often passes Yuki and Rin, and even sometimes Momiji, when coming and going from appointments. They don’t talk about it, but they acknowledge each other with a nod in passing, and it feels like camaraderie.

* * *

He starts to feel better in inches. Good days become more common than bad. He still has nightmares, and Tohru keeps her bedroom door unlocked for him if he wants to crawl into bed with her after one. He doesn’t make a habit of taking up her invitation—they’re never alone in the house, and Shigure would _never_ let him live it down—but he often spends a few hours with her before he leaves to go to his own bed.

It’s become easier to open up, lately. In the dark of her room, under her blankets, he feels safe enough to tell her things that he wouldn’t want others to know.

“I was afraid for a long time,” he whispers into her hair one night, nosing at the back of her ear.

“Of what?” He voice is light and breathy. He can feel her shiver as his breath ghosts over her ear, and it’s gratifying.

“That you might love me back.”

“Why would you be afraid of that?” She asks, turning her head back to look at him. They’re lying on their sides, her back to his chest with his arm thrown over her waist. Their fingers tangle together and rest against the cotton of her pyjama shirt at her navel.

He closes his eyes and breathes in the scent of her shampoo. “Because everyone who cares about me gets fucked over. Even Shishou gets people talking shit about him because of me. I thought… it was pretty set in stone that I was going to be confined after school until Akito changed her mind.” His voice lowers to a murmur. “I already felt enough guilt about Kyoko. I couldn’t stand the thought that I’d only hurt you more.”

They’re silent for a few moments. He feels the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes and opens his eyes to the dark. Beams of moonlight creep through gaps in the curtains and cast glowing strips across the ceiling, and all is peaceful in the house. The television is barely audible downstairs, but otherwise there’s quiet.

“I was scared, too.” She whispers into the pillow.

He props himself up on an elbow and leans over her. “How come?”

She chews on her lip before answering. “I saw what happened to Okaa-san when she lost Otou-san.” She breathes. “I think I’ve always been scared of falling in love because of that. And I thought—there was a chance that I was going to lose you, too, and I just…”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He promises, pressing a kiss to her temple before settling back down. “At least, nowhere you can’t follow.”

“I know.” Her fingers tighten around his. “But when I finally realised that I was in love with you, I was terrified.”

“Yeah, me too.” He admits with a twist of his mouth.

“When did you know?” Tohru turns onto her back; his arm loosens its hold and then resettles when she’s still. He tucks his fingers around her hip.

“What, that you might like me?” He asks with raised eyebrows. He can make out her nodding in the dark. “Dunno. Sometime around the cultural festival last year? I denied it for a long time, though.”

She giggles. “You knew before _I_ did.”

“Well, you _are_ pretty dense.” He teases. She makes a sound of indignation and he leans down to blow a raspberry against her neck.

She yelps, swatting at him and giggling. “Stop that!” He relents, grinning. She leans up to press kisses to his cheeks. “I love you so much.”

That familiar warmth in his chest spreads to fill every part of him, happiness radiating from his very being. “Yeah, I love you, too.” And he leans down and claims her lips with his own.

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asking for help is always the hardest part of dealing with mental illness. If you suspect that there's something going on, I urge you to talk to your healthcare provider. I know it's hard, but I promise it's worth it.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read along with this fic. I'm so happy that it's received such a strong positive response. I don't mean to imply that Kyo is all better at the end--he's certainly still on the road to recovery. But the right help can make life so much better.
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading! Please, if you would, take a moment to leave a comment. <3


End file.
